My Birthday

Which is still 10 weeks away.

And compared to all the “yeah whatever” feelings of the past couple of years, I am actually excited again – months before! Turning 25 is no small thing after all.

I can’t believe I’ve lived quarter of a century. Or maybe you should count 35 for that particular landmark because till about 10, you are living what your parents live. And slowly later, “you” starts creeping in.

And that ‘you’ thought I’d would be a lot more accomplished at 25. I don’t feel under-accomplished. Writing a resume removes all such ideas from your head and I wrote mine 3 years ago. But I just thought I’d be a lot more…. flashier.

I’ve always been bad at estimating ages. So my mind goes back to all these gorgeous people i met as a kid, who were probably older than what I thought they were, and were quite accomplished actually and so I set my standards somewhere there. I figured I’d be a hot shot journalist by the time I was 25. Or a really cool doctor or in the army or something. Life didn’t quite work out that way. It never does. What I got in return was… something a lot more softer but fun, nevertheless.

Life hasn’t been boring… I hung out at street corners, eating cheap sandwiches, i sneaked into movies in between classes, I broke hearts and  had mine broken and enjoyed the power of it both, i learnt the art of making 50 bucks stretch for a week, i discovered i’d a brilliant mother, i lived alone in another country and I learned i was made of sterner stuff than I gave myself credit for, i lived in haunted houses, i walked where no man ever has, i learned to drive, i learned to curse. I traveled to places of my dreams, i found and lost my home.

But it doesn’t seem enough. Or maybe it is… for 25.

There are people who might consider me successful. I am, partially.  But there is so much more I want to do.

I remember at this one party I met a girl… an architect perhaps… I was all of 14 and filled with plans for life. So when she asked me what I wanted to do, I reeled off my two options so coolly.

“You are so confident! It is really great.” she said, a little wistfully. I didn’t perhaps understand or even recognize the wistfulness then. I do now. It is called ‘missing the sheer stupid confidence of youth’. Ignorance is really bliss. Now, even with the confidence, the things I know push in little doubts into my head. I know i’m good at something but the voice mutters ‘really? then why did someone say that?’. If that voice was a physical being, I would have stabbed it a million times and hexed it by now.

We are expected to be wiser, more rational and whatever as we grow older. So we try to be. Mistake. I think we should just BE. Do it because. Learn from the mistakes.

Anyway, this was not supposed to be philosophical. I shall save that for the actual day.

The birthday… it will probably fizzle out by the time March gets here. I don’t know what I want to do…

No, actually I do. A two day deal… one day with only my family and one day with a really cool party with all my friends. Without hassles, old fights and issues and ego clashes and “i am in the middle of a life style change so I can’t come” nonsense. As much as I enjoy meeting friends one-on-one, I want a crazy party. Not a club. A house. With music, with lots of conversation, people wandering around in their little groups but still a sense of one-ness. People coming in early and staying late without making statements like “i’ve work/a thing tomorrow”. One day when it is about me and my friendships.

Am i being selfish? Perhaps. But I don’t care. I want that one day to be about ME. I am tired of making days special for others, acceding to their problems… so like asking for world peace, i’m asking for that one day for my closest people to celebrate and enjoy without clauses, excuses or complaints and because they want to, not simply cuz i forced them.

And shopping… ah well… i’m sure that bug will catch up too. Gadgets is the word this year – laptops, cameras and lenses. Of course I wouldn’t say no to custom made boots 🙂 it surprises how I never want anything. I mean yeah i’d want a laptop but when people ask ‘what do you want for your birthday,’ i am blank.

And being 25… should it be different? More mature? i really can’t imagine that! I am trying to be grown up but I feel more and more like people are just playing at being grown up. Which explains why i’m shocked when someone says they are getting hitched, they have a kid or see them doing grown up things. not work. just… make grown up statements. You can be an adult… and yet be a kid. which is perhaps what i am. I wish the world was really as great as we thought it was when we were kids. And now is when I think i should grow up. I dont’ have to be rational and adult-like. The blend of impulsiveness and some rationality works fine for me.

So what should be the thing of being 25?

Song of the Day: Happy Birthday by Marilyn Monroe (you know to who)

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