My ex comes to mind today for some reason. The ex who remained a friend for a long time even after we broke up, nearly leading me to believe that people can be friends after they break up too. I was young and naive. Then he began dating a neurotic woman who was insecure about everything. That was when I realised I was young, naive and also a little stupid because I remained friends with him even though we broke up because he cheated on me.
I figured he was honest enough to come and tell me that he cheated on me, and he deserved credit for that. It just strikes me today how little faith I have in my fellow beings… I give them credit for doing things or confessing to doing things that they weren’t supposed to do in the first place.
I met a girl today who seemed as upfront as I was… she didn’t worry about what people thought, and perhaps hadn’t been through enough misconception situations, so wasn’t scarred.
I used to live by my code book once upon a time. Now I have no idea where my code book is and I miss it. As fragmented and eccentric as I was, I like having a set of codes to go by. I went from saying I do not care what people think to actually caring… the rebelliousness became more of a show than reality.
As women, we face questions. As Indian women, we face more questions and judgement. And somewhere down the line, you really have to decide how to play it cuz ignoring it won’t help and now I realise that I chose the wrong way of playing it – by completely hiding the wrong things and being open about the others.
I figured I didn’t want to wash my dirty laundry in public. So I shielded the guy who cheated on me, I shielded the guy who led me on to believe he cared for me… because I thought it was a reflection on me. Why do I realise this little truth tonight when I’m sober and relaxed?
So what do I really want? Why do I get defensive when people ask me simple questions like “you drink?” Why do I need to care about what others think? Why have I been so unhappy and frustrated for so long? Why do I keep going in circles?
Why can’t I just say – yes I’ve loved (in whatever form I do understand) and it didn’t work out. Shit happens. Yes, I dreamt of being someone at one point and the dream changed. Yes, I’m not good at certain things and I’m good at some. Why can’t I say to hell with it all and pursue what I really want?
I know the answers to some of the questions there. And some of the answers start with M. The rest… I really don’t know.
There has to be some way out.
I miss having easy relationships. The boy meets girl, the boy likes girl sort of thing. Or did I already run through my share of that? If that is the case, it was half a lousy share. I like someone… the idea of someone rather. But how do you initiate contact with someone you met once and don’t remember if you had a connection.
That is the problem… too much self-doubt.
There really has to be some way out.
Song of the day: Ishqiya