There is so much clutter I want to get rid of in my life. And I don’t have the slightest clue how or where.

I am a hoarder, you see. I do not even throw out those movie tickets till the print on them has long faded. But I need to start doing that. I have more stuff accumulated in my room in a short span of 25 years. Agreed, I have done plenty in that time and there need to be souvenirs but… where do we draw the line?

Much of the cleansing that needs to be done is perhaps in my head. Old memories, old feelings and old… beliefs that have to be washed away.

I do not have new things to put in place but should that matter?

We tell ourselves never to compare things. But we do, consciously or not. Because experience gives us a ‘standard’ by which we can measure things… but often it turns out that we ruin a perfectly good thing by trying too hard to figure out where exactly it fits on our scale or push it into a slot.

Every experience, every relationship is different and unique. Of course, every time I tell  myself that it turns out it isn’t true and I go back to my old standard.

It is easier when you have a checklist and assign people a category. Most often, they do fit. But when you get obsessive about it… I feel like punching myself.

There are so many things we want to fit the standard.

I spent today evening with a group of people who used to know me really well. Or as well enough as work friends do. I thought some of them were really friends but perhaps that isn’t really true. And perhaps they thought they really knew me because they kept trying to push me into a particular slot. Or behaving like I didn’t know anything about what we did.

I am not too sure when it began getting a little irritating. The group has always had its secret and its juvenile “oh don’t tell anyone” drama about the most mundane things. When in that group, it was easier to roll my eyes and let it past. Today, I found it ridiculous.

The evening was pleasant and I was surprised to find myself not particularly bothered about anything. One of those lazy Saturdays that happen suddenly…

“You are drunk” was the first statement. I shook my head and said not even anywhere close to it.

“You are fully pumped up and want to go partying” was the second statement. I shook my head again.

“You want to dance” was the third one. I wondered where these statements were coming from. There have been times when I have been wanting to party all night. And there have been times when I’m sleepy. I wondered if they had forgotten the part of me that was just unwound and relaxed. Where I didn’t need to be doingsomething. Sitting, have a drink, smoking a pipe is happiness… particularly when the weather is fine and the music is gorgeous. I was content sitting there, laughing at stupid things till they started to slot me and prove that they knew me.

Have I changed so much in the past few months that they no longer remember the relaxed me? The one who isn’t silent or doesn’t have to be on the go? Or have they forgotten themselves that it all has to be an extreme – sleep or party?

Oh it was a nice evening with friends. But it sure makes me wonder.

Photo of the day:

Flower 1, originally uploaded by amulya.

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