I struggle to find the optimism today morning. The day is bright and sunshine pours through the clouds, and the weather is perfect. But there is a darkness in my mind and a heaviness in my heart that sees only the traffic, the noise and the sticky dust.
I wonder where things suddenly changed from nights two days ago when a friend asked me “How I could remain so optimistic”
Were the gods of whim listening and decided to punish me for believing? For being happy? Or is this just another low point in the rollercoaster that life is?
I am annoyed at myself. At this pesky voice in my head that complains so much when I do have other things going. Optimism was something that came easy to me… but today morning, I struggle to find it. My head is constantly spinning, looking for myself and I try to tell it to stop but it refuses. I sit down for a minute but reach anxiously for my phone… I look blankly at the screen, opening the message box or the call log a million times but closing it without doing anything. There isn’t a name in my head I want to contact or a message in my mind that I want to type out. Yet, I continue to fiddle with it till another part of me wants to fling it far away.
I long for the silent voices in my head to shut up.
Why this restlessness when I had made peace with myself and the things that were merely a couple of days ago? What changed so drastically for these new questions to arise?
I am not questioning my actions… I’ve long learnt to accept that every action has a reaction and though it might not be what I am looking for, I live with it. There isn’t a way to fix it. The consequences of those actions sometimes… become apparent so much later that you wonder if there was anything to do then.
Is that it? The realisation of the consequences of my actions? I don’t have the answers any more and I am tired of the search today.
I want moments of silence or something that will shut up these voices.