The urge to write strikes again when the mind is curiously blank.
So much emotional drama in the past few hours… Perhaps it has been similar to the whole year. All the ups and downs. Have I grown more as an adult? I really don’t know. I feel I have, for the first time. I feel… sober. Silent. Perhaps giving in to my silent side more.
A friend today accused me of not emoting enough, which I thought was ironic because I never shut up. Or I’m always dramatic. But the truth is… when it comes to some of the bigger things in life, I perhaps go silent. Withdraw into myself. Why? Perhaps some of it is ego and some of it is pride. But I think most of it really has to do with self preservation.
As he spoke, I realised I wouldn’t change that either. I like myself for most part, the way I am. I have made peace with the bad parts of me. The rest of it… I think I’m quite awesome. Maybe it is the silence that drove some people away… but then there are plenty of those others who have stayed… and simply because they took the extra minute to really look. Nothing that comes easy is really valued in life… and that holds true for me, for you, for a job, for a life and everything else.
I have often complained that people do not see the ‘real’ me… but what I forgot was I project this image. Consciously. And most people never have the patience to look beyond the surface. So I really shouldn’t be complaining. Because some people choose to take another look, or take another moment for a longer look… why is that necessary? I can’t remember the answer to that one… because my friend’s questions are still lingering in my mind.
Maybe it is practice or maybe there is a really good reason for it… either way, that isn’t going to change either. Sometimes, the truth is best hidden… or best discovered in its own time.
Maybe I am more like a guy… not wanting to talk till I am pushed to the wall… Or not wanting to talk till some point. Maybe I just want to prove that I am strong… or maybe I am just scared to ask and hear a ‘no’. I do ask… when it really matters. that is something that I’ve just begun to learn.
And tears… they are supposed to be a woman’s strongest weapon. Pity that I don’t have enough left to waste on trifles.