My Relationships

My ex comes to mind today for some reason. The ex who remained a friend for a long time even after we broke up, nearly leading me to believe that people can be friends after they break up too. I was young and naive. Then he began dating a neurotic woman who was insecure about everything. That was when I realised I was young, naive and also a little stupid because I remained friends with him even though we broke up because he cheated on me.

I figured he was honest enough to come and tell me that he cheated on me, and he deserved credit for that. It just strikes me today how little faith I have in my fellow beings… I give them credit for doing things or confessing to doing things that they weren’t supposed to do in the first place.

I met a girl today who seemed as upfront as I was… she didn’t worry about what people thought, and perhaps hadn’t been through enough misconception situations, so wasn’t scarred.

I used to live by my code book once upon a time. Now I have no idea where my code book is and I miss it. As fragmented and eccentric as I was, I like having a set of codes to go by. I went from saying I do not care what people think to actually caring… the rebelliousness became more of a show than reality.

As women, we face questions. As Indian women, we face more questions and judgement. And somewhere down the line, you really have to decide how to play it cuz ignoring it won’t help and now I realise that I chose the wrong way of playing it – by completely hiding the wrong things and being open about the others.

I figured I didn’t want to wash my dirty laundry in public. So I shielded the guy who cheated on me, I shielded the guy who led me on to believe he cared for me… because I thought it was a reflection on me. Why do I realise this little truth tonight when I’m sober and relaxed?

So what do I really want? Why do I get defensive when people ask me simple questions like “you drink?” Why do I need to care about what others think? Why have I been so unhappy and frustrated for so long? Why do I keep going in circles?

Why can’t I just say – yes I’ve loved (in whatever form I do understand) and it didn’t work out. Shit happens. Yes, I dreamt of being someone at one point and the dream changed. Yes, I’m not good at certain things and I’m good at some. Why can’t I say to hell with it all and pursue what I really want?

I know the answers to some of the questions there. And some of the answers start with M. The rest… I really don’t know.

There has to be some way out.

I miss having easy relationships. The boy meets girl, the boy likes girl sort of thing. Or did I already run through my share of that? If that is the case, it was half a lousy share. I like someone… the idea of someone rather. But how do you initiate contact with someone you met once and don’t remember if you had a connection.

That is the problem… too much self-doubt.

There really has to be some way out.

Song of the day: Ishqiya


In Limbo

Restlessness is in the air.

Perhaps it is a natural result of all the excitement over the weekend. The beautiful wedding, the city… can I live there? I don’t know. But I liked the city. Or I simply liked the fact that something was happening. So now the high wears off, friends are off on their honeymoon, people are  back to their lives and i’m wondering what I want to do.

There were several more invites in my inbox when I got back to town. None as close as the one I just attended but this is like… an epidemic which is spreading faster. I even thought for a minute “do i want to get hitched”. The answer clearly came back “NO”.

Marriage means settling down… most of the time. I like my saturday night outs, the quiet evenings at home, the laziness, people who understand me, the flirting with new people and new possibilities. And till I meet the one who makes me want to give it all up, I don’t see the point of just letting it all go for… tradition? Because the society wants it? Because everyone else is doing it? Not good enough reasons.

Perhaps this is just a drop out effect of another friend in the blues. Silly me, such things do get to me and piss me off.

Anyway, there is the long weekend… which means finally clearing up tasks I let pile up, watching nice new movies and spacing out. I am not going to think of old relationships gone by or broken.

In Limbo.

Song of the day: Count ‘Em

The Dream Wedding

When I walked into the hotel room, I simply knew that I had never ever lived in such a glorious room ever. Me and my two friends grinned like idiots at each other and started to explore every single inch. It was sheer luxury and I have lived in a few opulent ones in my life.

That was the theme of the wedding – beautifully luxurious.

And perhaps this wasn’t the way I had imagined my best friend getting married – if I had ever gotten around to imagine him getting married at all – but it strangely fit. It was a dream wedding.

I didn’t step out of the hotel for two whole days (having skipped one little day to see Mumbai – read about it here) and I never realised that time could fly so fast and every minute be so beautiful. There was a stage for performers, a waterfall, names being reflected on the ceiling, over 1000 people, music, lots of food and drink, a little moon with a garden theme where the couple stood to invite guests, dancing, singing and more booze.

I met new, fascinating people and simply floated along the dream.

The wedding itself was even more gorgeous… with a royal theme, performers dancing for a loud, Indian royal song around the altar, the bride in her palanquinn and the groom on the horse… it perhaps struck me the most for the first time when I had to dance in the baraat. I had never danced in anybody’s baraaat… i was either too shy or not bothered. And then I heard the trumpets and it hit me – my best friend was now a married man. I still don’t see him that way… I’ve seen them together and they are absolutely together and not the whole ‘married’ bit, which is a little too corny. But amidst all the songs, the fight for the shoes and music – he was married. He was a ‘grown up’. Lol.

I realised I can never really say all that I felt or did here… it is too long and too boring for other people. But for the first time since a long time I liked everyone I met, I had fun with everyone I met and I really miss everyone, including the gorgeous city of Mumbai.

One little funny thing though… being a part of the groom’s entourage means running around doing some tasks. So we had to get the dhoti ironed, with about 5 minutes to spare for the ritual. We raced to get it done and couldn’t really wait for the elevator which does tend to take its own sweet time even in a 5-star hotel. And we had to race back and I thought the elevator opened. Of course it did open and there was the hotel staff who said something. My friend was a lot ahead… guys with their nice, flat shoes… but I thought someone called out to me, so I turned. Without stopping. So when I turned back, my head, face, knees met the glass door.

I bounced to the floor wondering what hit me (never really understood what that term meant before). My head throbbed and the camera in my hand was switched on accidentally. And the camera had a start up tone of little birds chirping. Yup. Go ahead laugh. My friend who had already raced one floor up could hear the thud. Oh well… I lived. With a bump on my head, black and blue knees and a slightly sore jaw.

The knee made itself felt only much much later when I was back home, exhausted from being up for 24 hours straight. Didn’t realise I was up so long… there was so much to do, dance and drink… but then I saw my bed, dropped by bags and crawled into it in my dirty travel clothes. Apparently, my voice hasn’t recovered yet and still sounds asleep – which some say is sexy and some say is kiddish.

My head still reels with the memories, the laughter, the conversation, the late night walks which didn’t feel like late night walks and this one guy I met.

Yup… have a crush again. Sigh. I hate feeling like this about someone I met once, probably will never meet again and I’ve no idea what he thought of me either. I build castles and have it crash. Ugh. Falling in love is such a bitch even if it does happen. Crushes are so over after the age of 20, particularly if the only tingles you get is in your head.

Anyway, Salaam Bombay

Song of the Day: Complicated – Avril

A night with friends

A bachelor party actually but without the strippers and all that revelry. Maybe there was all that revelry but that was over before I got there and what was left was 3 of my friends, one of them really close to my heart – the groom.

After a long while, I’m not ambiguous  about what I feel. Gladness, happiness and a little bit of amusement. I am a cynic. I have no idea what people are talking about when they talk about ‘being in love’. I understand lust, attraction, liking and all that. The sort of love that compels you to be with each other for the rest of your life – i do not understand that.

But it exists. I have seen several occasions of proof of that. And I hope that it happens to me as well. But this is one of those proof situations. There are the jitters, the love, the sweet smiles and all of that. And the confidence that they’ll make this work. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have any doubts about the relationship… i learnt a while ago that even the most perfect couple need to want to make it to work, want the same things. But it is a gamble that you have to take.

Today was a bit of a scramble. I woke up late, I ran around too much finishing up last minute tasks and then when i was finally ready to leave, I had to run 4 kms behind my dog who manage to escape for an afternoon jog. I faced exclamations of “oh why did you bring the dog out with the chain” to “the dog is too big for you to handle” but no one came forward to actually help. Morons. The world is filled with morons and all of them truly hate it when you call them a  moron.

I am numb… i get annoyed but I do not let myself stay annoyed. I know there are things I am doing that are not good but I don’t seem to be able to stop it. Not good, yes yes I know!!! Where is this numbness coming from?

All the dreams and hopes I had… how many of them have changed… how much have I changed, my relationships have changed. It scares me to think sometimes about how my closest relationships have drifted away. Drifted. Not broken. Just drifted, which is somehow sadder than broken.

For the first time ever, I am doing things in such a blase manner, with complete disregard to my relationships. And yet I hold on to them stronger than ever. The circle has shrunk. But…

I’m gonna stop thinking and go sleep.

Here’s to a great trip, beautiful pictures and maybe… finding love.

Song of the day: The One You Love – Rufus


I just got a wedding invite from a friend. There are several weddings happening over the next few months… And I’ve noticed the collection of wedding invites pile up. I don’t know what to do with those cards. I feel a little rude throwing them away… it is special for a friend after all but some aren’t precious enough for me to keep.

And I notice that online invites are gaining popularity. Not the email invite… Elaborate portals where everything from the photos to the venue to whatever else is posted, along with RSVP options though that is such a rare thing in Indian weddings.

Indian weddings are extravagant at any cost. There is never a fixed number of people… RSVP is just catching on and doesn’t always work. I would use the word ‘chaos’ or ‘bustling’ depending on my mood. But it is charming… the mix of people, the food, the warmth for whoever turns up at your doorstep and the willingness to feed them all. That is perhaps the only time when Indian hospitality still comes alive. I remember my cousins and their friends laugh about times they’ve eaten at weddings of people they didn’t even know. That probably wouldn’t happen at a wedding in the West where they have to pay per plate. Well, even here we pay per plate at the bigger dos but the common man… they feed everyone.

And gifts… I wish registering caught on in India. With all the developments, it still hasn’t. Every time a friend gets hitched, I ask them if they have registered and they always say no. It isn’t possible apparently… some might even see it as an insult.

Which is why our generation does everything double fold – there are special invites for their friends, which is more casual and fun, and sometimes via email or like this portal only. There are hard copy invites which can be quite elaborate for their parents’ or family friends and the ‘older’ people. Some people even have two events… for the friends – with booze and dancing and the frills; and for the traditional crowd with a standing reception and all that.

I can’t pick the best one I’ve attended so far. I have attended more engagement ceremonies than weddings so far… and the one that touched me most was an old school friend’s deal. Maybe because I knew her. Maybe because I never thought she would be so excited and jittery and in love. She sparkled. She was a bride. And despite getting two hours of sleep and the length ceremony, I could see her sparkle and I could only smile. And that is perhaps the magic of  a wedding… If it isn’t, I’ve several to attend this year to figure out what it is that makes people want to dress up and sit through hours to have that one plate of food. Apart from the chance for unofficial reunions.

Is it kinder to let somethings die? As we grow older, relationships, things, people and pets.. They all die. And maybe there is a reason for it.
With regard to relationships, someone once told me that if it breaks up, it means you’ve outgrown it. And u can never go back.
As i try to rebuild one such relationship, i wonder if it is possible to forget about how a person was completely? The good and bad. That u refuse to remember what their favorite food was even if you’ve shared it for 3 yrs. That u forget all the little moments. Become so brittle.
Or is it intent? Intently forget so you can hurt the other person. After all, the worst enemies are your oldest friends.
And is it possible to be a close buddy to someone n yet not have even close to a complete image abt them. Relationships. Minefields are safer. Know when to cut the thread.