Things I’ve wanted to do

But never did:
(In the hope this will spur me to do some of it this year)

1. Learn Spanish
Yeah I did start off but it just fell in between work somewhere

2. Learn the guitar
I’m half tone deaf but I’d still like to

3. Go paragliding
Or parasailing or even bungee jumping. I should probably start off with bungee jumping. Or head straight into diving out of the sky… cuz these days i’ve become a bit of a chicken. I like being a drama queen but being a chicken for the drama is a little… sad.

4. Exercise
Not to lose weight. Just to be healthy and toned. I took a gym membership – the first time i let it lapse without ever entering the gym. The second time I did two weeks before annoyance with the trainer (who gave me exercises meant for people who want to lose weight when I repeatedly told him i’m there just for fitness. I’m thin for heaven’s sake. Or was then) and other activities (like my belly dancing class) interfered.

5. Catalogue my library
I’ve been trying to do this for the past 6-8 years. Everytime I try, my computer crashes.

6. Visit East India
Always wanted to. Wanted to visit the tribes and stuff before they disappear. Actually visit any place which still retains its native tribes and customs. And do NOT say the urban tribe. I live in a city jungle!

7. Have an exhibition of my paintings
And now my photos too. This has been on the list forever! I paint only when i’m depressed… and i’ve been depressed but without time… and when I’ve time, i’m alright. And I don’t want to be sad, so the painting count has stalled over the past few months.

8. Visit Istanbul and Budapest
Yeah… the travel list didn’t really have these places on the list. But I woke up one day and I realised that is where I wanna go next. Don’t ask me why. This is how the travel bug works and i’m glad it is functioning again.

That’s all I can think of for now. So i’m leaving you with something I wrote a while ago:

we mourn that we are wasting time… we bitch that the whole year is wasted and that you cannot recall a single worthy event in the past few months.

Yet when I look back on years which were sort of similar, I realise that I lived through them. Really lived. Doing small and maybe insignificant things… but that is what living was. And when I think about it… I forget all the moments on inactivity and remember only the things that happened.

Maybe that is the way our mind is structured – to forget the inactive spaces and remember only the possibilities and the deeds. And one day, when you are flipping through your journal, it hits you… that you lived. That you shopped for groceries and you saw some weird people in the shop… that you came back after a long day at work and sat on the porch with a glass of wine, watching the horizon… that you spent a night with friends watching bad movies and eating too much of junk food… that you tried a disastrous receipe when you knew you couldn’t even boil water… things that you had forgotten while trying to live in this year and make the future happening.

Someone once said life happens when you are not looking. I just realised how true it is.

So someday I will look back on those night shifts where I got random thoughts, the days we ordered icecream and grilled chicken… the days we laughed like loons about silly jokes all the while complaining that this wasn’t where we wanted to be – and then I’ll remember that even through the desert of nothingness – something did happen. Life. It is happening right now.

Song of the day: Smoke Two Joints – Bob Marley

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My Birthday

Which is still 10 weeks away.

And compared to all the “yeah whatever” feelings of the past couple of years, I am actually excited again – months before! Turning 25 is no small thing after all.

I can’t believe I’ve lived quarter of a century. Or maybe you should count 35 for that particular landmark because till about 10, you are living what your parents live. And slowly later, “you” starts creeping in.

And that ‘you’ thought I’d would be a lot more accomplished at 25. I don’t feel under-accomplished. Writing a resume removes all such ideas from your head and I wrote mine 3 years ago. But I just thought I’d be a lot more…. flashier.

I’ve always been bad at estimating ages. So my mind goes back to all these gorgeous people i met as a kid, who were probably older than what I thought they were, and were quite accomplished actually and so I set my standards somewhere there. I figured I’d be a hot shot journalist by the time I was 25. Or a really cool doctor or in the army or something. Life didn’t quite work out that way. It never does. What I got in return was… something a lot more softer but fun, nevertheless.

Life hasn’t been boring… I hung out at street corners, eating cheap sandwiches, i sneaked into movies in between classes, I broke hearts and  had mine broken and enjoyed the power of it both, i learnt the art of making 50 bucks stretch for a week, i discovered i’d a brilliant mother, i lived alone in another country and I learned i was made of sterner stuff than I gave myself credit for, i lived in haunted houses, i walked where no man ever has, i learned to drive, i learned to curse. I traveled to places of my dreams, i found and lost my home.

But it doesn’t seem enough. Or maybe it is… for 25.

There are people who might consider me successful. I am, partially.  But there is so much more I want to do.

I remember at this one party I met a girl… an architect perhaps… I was all of 14 and filled with plans for life. So when she asked me what I wanted to do, I reeled off my two options so coolly.

“You are so confident! It is really great.” she said, a little wistfully. I didn’t perhaps understand or even recognize the wistfulness then. I do now. It is called ‘missing the sheer stupid confidence of youth’. Ignorance is really bliss. Now, even with the confidence, the things I know push in little doubts into my head. I know i’m good at something but the voice mutters ‘really? then why did someone say that?’. If that voice was a physical being, I would have stabbed it a million times and hexed it by now.

We are expected to be wiser, more rational and whatever as we grow older. So we try to be. Mistake. I think we should just BE. Do it because. Learn from the mistakes.

Anyway, this was not supposed to be philosophical. I shall save that for the actual day.

The birthday… it will probably fizzle out by the time March gets here. I don’t know what I want to do…

No, actually I do. A two day deal… one day with only my family and one day with a really cool party with all my friends. Without hassles, old fights and issues and ego clashes and “i am in the middle of a life style change so I can’t come” nonsense. As much as I enjoy meeting friends one-on-one, I want a crazy party. Not a club. A house. With music, with lots of conversation, people wandering around in their little groups but still a sense of one-ness. People coming in early and staying late without making statements like “i’ve work/a thing tomorrow”. One day when it is about me and my friendships.

Am i being selfish? Perhaps. But I don’t care. I want that one day to be about ME. I am tired of making days special for others, acceding to their problems… so like asking for world peace, i’m asking for that one day for my closest people to celebrate and enjoy without clauses, excuses or complaints and because they want to, not simply cuz i forced them.

And shopping… ah well… i’m sure that bug will catch up too. Gadgets is the word this year – laptops, cameras and lenses. Of course I wouldn’t say no to custom made boots 🙂 it surprises how I never want anything. I mean yeah i’d want a laptop but when people ask ‘what do you want for your birthday,’ i am blank.

And being 25… should it be different? More mature? i really can’t imagine that! I am trying to be grown up but I feel more and more like people are just playing at being grown up. Which explains why i’m shocked when someone says they are getting hitched, they have a kid or see them doing grown up things. not work. just… make grown up statements. You can be an adult… and yet be a kid. which is perhaps what i am. I wish the world was really as great as we thought it was when we were kids. And now is when I think i should grow up. I dont’ have to be rational and adult-like. The blend of impulsiveness and some rationality works fine for me.

So what should be the thing of being 25?

Song of the Day: Happy Birthday by Marilyn Monroe (you know to who)

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The Memory Box

While cleaning up my cupboard today, I came across a box of letters and photos I had forgotten about. I knew about the existence of  some of them but plenty more had slipped through the cracks.

Words that i’d forgotten and felt good to reread today. Words that would perhaps never lose their appeal or validity. Traumas of relationships, of work, of uni… life was so simply complicated then. And honestly, I want that back compared to the blandness right now.

Just cranky today… a little tired of being careful with my eyes after the surgery. I’ll probably kill myself if i go blind ever. Deaf and dumb is yet managable but eyes… precious. Of course, i’ve never been a good patient. Too impatient. Pray it heals soon.

Song of the day: Make a Memory – Bon Jovi

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A Sci-Fi Movie

A green dot of light. Flanked by two red, slightly larger, blurry lights. The green light comes closer and closer. The red lights merge into the green light till everything is a blur. Then you hear a faint whirring noise. Then everything disappears into a whtie light. Or blindness. I am not sure which. The whirring stops and you recover a little to see the lights again.

Not kidnapped by aliens. Just eye surgery. Painful. Conscious. And as I have to bit in front of a computer today, I figured I might as well put this on paper.

I had a lot of time to think the past two days. Random thoughts that flittered away as soon as they flowed in. It is hard to sit without doing anything.  No television, computers or books. Conversations wane after a point, particularly when you are trying to avoid controversial topics.

The one little outlet was Facebook. Mobile technology is super cool eh? Can you emember the time when cell phones were used to connect people on the ove and we thought that was cool? And then there was SMS, and we thought that was cooler. And then we got a little jaded o just didn’t have the money to indulge in anything else like MMS. All that was still reserved for the richer people who could afford to shell out 50 bucks to send one picture of someone sitting somewhere. And then the person you were sending it to had to have an ‘updated’ mobile, which was more often than not.

And now, can you remember the time before cell phones. yes yes… cast your minds to that dark far-off times when people used these fixed gadgets to make calls. How did we live then? How did we deal with those urges to contact people right now! What did we do when we’d to message something silly to a friend? Or did those urges develop only after we got cell phones? I saw this movie some time ago about these 3 students who develop a way for a cell phone chip to be embedded in your brain so that you can answer and make calls with a combination of a voice command plus mind control. That could happen. But it will never perhaps replace cell phones. Maybe people will come up with cell pockets in your skin. Cell grafts. Instant communication and minimal communication.

Anyway… so Facebook… someone combined internet with cell phones and found a cheaper way to make cell phones. And boom! I already complain if i cannot access internet on my phone. And FB. I complain about the invasion of privacy. I complain about shady marketeers taking my data and using it for their nefarious reasons. And I complain about nothing remaining a surprise anymore – even if i’ve voluntarily posted a message on FB. And yet, i cannot get off it. It is a great way to kill time, sometimes also a source of knowledge.

Some people talk about Twitter. Perhaps it is cool.  But it’ll never be Facebook. Because Twitter is about 140 characters. It isn’t juicy pictures, crazy videos and silly games. That is Facebook. And as much as I like to know what you are doing at this moment, gossip with visual aids is always more attractive. Twitter is fantastic to get your questions answered. For information. But a ‘social’ network is FB. it changed the way we think about ‘keeping in touch’. I find it so much more convienient to send a ‘what’s up’ msg on FB to an acquaintance… imagine a two word mail. or the trouble to find other relevant words to fill that mail when you don’t have much to say to them. Unless you find both of you coinciding on a point of interest at a point and you can just comment. or snigger in private.

Anyway… this wasn’t about Twitter vs Facebook. This was about FB and the great time pass… with arguments about Avatar and links.

And mobile internet where I could read funny blogs on NYTimes like a newspaper.

***

Did you also put up the color of your bra on FB?

What was the Fuss? Was it breast cancer awareness really? The first mail I got about it just said “it was a fun thing meant for girls”. Only later did a mail about breast cancer thing spring up. And yeah I put it up and I think the message did bloom out there. You all are talking about breast cancer and the bra fiasco right?

Some people said it was TMI. my bra color… yeah probably. But there have been far more private postings as status msgs (not from me!). And yeah those women who refused to say what it was about and acted coy have to be shot. I agree with that. As do the men who found the whole thing disgustingly funny. It wasn’t perhaps the best way to raise awareness but it reached some people…

One friend of mine posted a reply to my status as “next week there is a prostate cancer awareness program”. Really? Are you in high school that they find something funny about prostate cancer? It is cancer for heaven’s sake! Be it in boobs or prostate. And if men start putting up the colors of their underwear, so be it. Maybe they should also be forced to put up the cleanliness state of it – that would be funny. Grow up people!

Song of the Day: Avatar

Is it kinder to let somethings die? As we grow older, relationships, things, people and pets.. They all die. And maybe there is a reason for it.
With regard to relationships, someone once told me that if it breaks up, it means you’ve outgrown it. And u can never go back.
As i try to rebuild one such relationship, i wonder if it is possible to forget about how a person was completely? The good and bad. That u refuse to remember what their favorite food was even if you’ve shared it for 3 yrs. That u forget all the little moments. Become so brittle.
Or is it intent? Intently forget so you can hurt the other person. After all, the worst enemies are your oldest friends.
And is it possible to be a close buddy to someone n yet not have even close to a complete image abt them. Relationships. Minefields are safer. Know when to cut the thread.

Semi-Dark Room…

Sitting in a semi-dark room, wondering why I can’t do any of those things I want to do. I just woke up, so tiredness cannot be an excuse. It isn’t laziness either because I dusted that off a while ago.

But I can feel the slight irritation creeping up again. It is minute but it is there and it is crawling up and the fact that it is there is more annoying than anything else.

Several friends are getting married. And when i say “friends” i really do mean friends. Not someone whom I like and consider a pal. These are 4 AM people. And it surprises me how okay I am with all of that. I made my peace with my relationship status a little while ago. I realised when I say “I like being single,” I really do mean it. I have slight issues with commitment – the top one being that there are all these things I want to do and somehow it seems to be in a slightly different path than the ‘couple’ bit. Of course, in the meantime while I’m finding out what i want to do, if i find someone who is like me – i’m not that commitment phobic 🙂

I realised something late last night – Falling in love is not in your hands but what you do about it definitely is.

Which is why some people end up getting married, some break up and become morons.

I feel a lot lighter with these realizations. I am trying to find dresses for friends’ weddings now. I guess I have to add to my wardrobe now, considering my reluctance to wear saris. They just are not comfortable. And considering I’d attend on average 2 events a year, my wardrobe was suitably filled. Now, I guess once the engagements are over, there are weddings. Then there are kids born and ceremonies for them and so on.

Except right when it is time to go shopping, i’m broke. and my mom refuses to lend me any more money.

Musings of the day…

Facebook is trying to make it like Twitter – public sharing. But doesn’t anyone remember that Facebook was not formed like Twitter? Facebook was formed to share personal information. For personal networking. Twitter meanwhile was supposed to  be about work. Twitter doesn’t include pictures, private videos and conversations between people. Twitter is about ONE. Facebook is about a community. Which is the whole reason people are screaming about the invasion of privacy on Facebook. It is like you told me that I can build a house and then started turning the walls into glass. Not Acceptable!

3D television – really? We want that? As much as a tech buff as I am, 3D is supposed to be for special occasions. Unless you figure out a way to bring it into my living room without putting those weird looking glasses on my face. When i’m sprawled on my couch with a bowl of popcorn, i’m not sure if i want even those glasses to come between me and tv… unless i’m watching Avatar yet again on my super big home theater system.
Watching a movie in a theater – 350 bucks per head for a movie. Really? Are we back to the post-recession prices? So if that’s me having a ‘group’ day out… it’d be 350*4. And then popcorn for all of us plus a couple of pepsis or whatever. Which would be about 150 bucks per head. So we go for a 3-hour show and we spend about 500 bucks at one shot. And this for some weird, 3-hour nonsense which isn’t funny or anything. For something that is funny and worth watching, they hike it by another 100 bucks anyway.
Wasn’ the whole point of multiplexes supposed be cheaper, smaller halls which were easier to fill therefore giving space for small-budget movies to run as well. But now it is back to the era of bigger stars ruling the roost.
Song of the day: Californication. Just Really Appealing today.